The Transition From One to Two...
The transition from one child to two children I have found to be much easier than it was to become a mother for the first time... THAT in the midst of a pandemic was the hardest thing I've ever done. I thank the good lord above that it's not hitting me as hard as it had after I had Ellie. I don't think I ever really expressed how hard it was the first time around.
Becoming a mom, when you are dealing with postpartum anxiety and depression, IN A PANDEMIC is isolating. You're supposed to be able to rely on your "village". The hospital constantly asked me if I had a good support system at home and I thought I did. But you have no village when there's COVID out there. You were forced to isolate yourself. I withdrew a lot in 2020, I was forced to because of the pandemic and also because of how I was feeling. Becoming a mom forever changed me. I will never be the same person again. I'm sorry to many of you whom I did withdraw from. We are still in a pandemic even now, two years later. I don't know if it will ever go back to the way things were before. This may be our new normal. I will be honest, I don't even know if some friendships will ever be the same either. People just grew apart, because you are forced to choose who is part of your "pod". I kept it to just family and a couple close friends who had children as well so that Ellie could have some socialization… that was hard. Choosing people. Keeping gatherings small was never my forte. I am an extrovert and love to make friends and I love all my friends. Being an extrovert in a pandemic when you're forced to socially distance… has a big effect on your mental health. Andrew's paternity leave was short. The first week he was with me in the hospital, after I gave birth, the second week we were in the hospital again because I had postpartum preeclampsia. So I felt even separated from him once he went back to work...he couldn't help at night. Thank God I had my mom and Michelle to help me on those late nights… I think they kept me from going insane.
Elliana was colicky, she didn't sleep. She had terrible acid reflux and gas. But it was more than that. Right after she was born we were told that our perfect baby was imperfect. She was born with hip dysplasia and a cock-eyed foot. She had some jaundice which the hospital made out to be like it was a deadly thing even though ended up being minor we didn't even end up needing a UV light or anything. She got pink eye within the first week and we're still not sure how the heck that happened. Hospital pediatricians are always glass half empty type people. So for the first 3 days before we got to see our own pediatrician, I was petrified. They were telling us we would have to put our baby into a harness and she was already such an angry little girl that wanted to MOVE that the thought of restricting her movement terrified me. It also broke my heart. Thank goodness none of that ever came to pass because it ended up being only minor hip dysplasia that got better over time. We had trouble breastfeeding, as she also had torticollis on one side of her neck, making that side weaker. This made it hard to breastfeed on my right side. Breastfeeding does not actually come as naturally and as normal as it appears. You don't know what you're doing. Baby doesn't know what they're doing. It's an awkward mess. You're exposed. There's cluster feeding and your child can feed for 5 minutes or feed for 2 hours straight…
And then there's the sleep. When you're stressed and anxious and your child won't sleep, It's a recipe for disaster. I WAS CONSTANTLY falling asleep with her at the breast while sitting on the couch. She refused to sleep in her crib or even her sidecar bassinet. She could be DEAD asleep but the moment you put her down she was awake. You had to DANCE with her... (no I mean literally dance) in order for her to go to sleep. I ended up co-sleeping with her, it felt like that was the only way I could keep her safe. I could side-lay nurse her so that if I fell asleep I wouldn't have to worry as much… At least there I could control the environment a little better than I could on the couch or a recliner. Our mattress is at least firm, much firmer than the couch. This meant no pillows for me, no blankets, and sleeping in an uncomfortable "c" shape around her to prevent me from rolling. (Not that I move around in my sleep very much but still) If SHE rolled it would just be into her bassinet. She's been a snuggly girl since the beginning and has always wanted to be right beside me. This decision caused me a lot of strife because I felt guilty. I felt like I was going to be judged. I felt like I failed. But this is what I had to do.
The mom guilt is real. Any and every choice you make, you doubt yourself. Any time your little one gets hurt or any time you make a mistake, it feels like the world is crashing down, that you have failed as a parent. You want to protect them from every last thing that can harm them. Whether it's microscopic germs or even protecting them from yourself and the mistakes you can make. Then you worry if sheltering them too much can also harm them. And that's just it, you can't protect them from everything. Things happen, mistakes happen, people get sick, they will bump their heads or fall or get into something they're not supposed to. Always. No matter what you do.
I have learned a lot. I went into motherhood thinking I knew exactly what kind of mama I was going to be. I thought I had it all figured out. I read the books, I watched the videos and movies, I babysat, I had experience with and had worked with kids. But nothing can prepare you for the real thing. I think that's why the mom guilt at first was so so bad. I had to throw all the expectations I had right out the window. I had to learn that there's a reason why there's a million books on parenting out there… But no manual. Because every child is different. Their physical , emotional, spiritual and mental needs are different because they are their own person. I had to learn to trust myself and stop comparing myself and my children to others. Even though that's something I still do... I definitely still compare... I'm working on it.
In both a good way, but also a bad way. I find that I tolerate less. Even now, I call people out on things more. I have less patience for people. I am more introverted than I used to be. It's weird… But I guess in some ways that's kind of a good thing. You need to know how to assert yourself as a mother. Stick up for yourself, advocate for your children, fight for them. You need to know who's really there for you and who's not. People will judge you. There's nothing you can do about it. Let go. Let go of the small stuff. Your house will never be clean, Your car will never be clean. There will somehow toys all over the floor and goldfish crackers in every crevice no matter how often you pick up and vacuum. You're going to stress about screen time. Stop. Beating yourself. Up. Just love your children to the best of your ability. Let them know you love them as often as you can. You know what their needs are. And if you don't, you'll figure it out. Because you are their mother. They were placed into YOUR whom and YOUR life because God, the universe, whatever you believe in, put them there. You. Only you. We're meant for this child, and they were meant for you. Elliana has since grown out of the many struggles she gave us in the beginning.
She is now a rambunctious toddler who gives us new and different challenges every day. She's hyperactive and loves to climb. She wants popsicles for breakfast and is quickly approaching the terrible two territory where we are starting to have tantrums. But it's okay...she’s kinda funny. She's not talking yet, which has me on edge right now that something is wrong. But she's so loving and smart. Her speech therapist told us recently that her imaginative skills are very advanced for her age. So she's probably more focused on her motor skills and creativity than she is with language… she will catch up. I hope. But that's maybe a talk for another day.
Yeah. I've learned a lot. I'm still learning…
And I haven't even gotten into the part about becoming a momma of 2!!