This was on purpose...
I remind myself. I chose this. I wanted my children to be close in age. I want them to share a special bond. Grow up together, side by side.
- WANTED. this.
And I do. I am happy. I am excited.
But I'm also scared. I'm also sad. As these moments, these fleeting, one on one moments with my firstborn. Just the two of us. My baby girl and I. Are drawing quickly to a close. She's about to not be my one and only.
How? How will I split myself in two? HOW can I love them both with the same intensity? the same amount of attention…. HOW….can I be... enough? Will I? ...be... enough?
I don't know the answers yet. My friends who have done this before me say it comes easy, that your heart simply grows. And I know it does….but there's this little bit of guilt I can't help but feel. I am this little girls whole world. Will she forgive me? When I can't give her the same amount of attention as before? Will she resent her little sister when she comes? I hope not.
Over the past year and a half, Elliana has become my best friend. The biggest, hardest, most heartaching, fulfilling, beautiful challenge I have ever had. I wouldn't trade a minute of it. Even on the days I'm brought to my knees in tears, begging it to get easier. And it has. In many ways. I can only assume it will be the same for my sweet Mini-TK.
I see videos and photos of siblings, hand in hand, looking after one another, and it warms me… it brings me comfort. I see as Ellie has started to grow more tender towards her stuffed animals and dolls. Feeding them, hugging them, dancing around in the living room. Will she know what a little sister is? Will it be kind of like this?
I soak up all the snuggles, even though her climbing over and on my bump has become quite painful. I lay with her till she falls asleep, most of the time staying with her all night...or for a full nap. Not only because I'm exhausted 24/7 but because I don't know how often l will be able to do this when it's not just us anymore… Every. Moment. Matters.
I'm uncomfortable. More uncomfortable and tired than I was in my first pregnancy. This is different. I wasn't constantly lifting and chasing after a toddler the first time around. I'm ready for this part to be over. To have my body back so that hopefully I can snuggle better, pick up my child...my childREN without it hurting...be a better mother...I feel guilty that most days lately are spent on the couch, watching either cocomelon or little baby bum. I try to do things like bring Ellie outside for fun things, to the local trampoline park or farm. But it's getting harder.
Despite my fears. I am ready.
I'm ready to meet and see the little girl who I nicknamed jellybean. See what she's like. What she LOOKS like. I'm excited to take her home and see her relationship with her sister blossom. To see our family grow. To see MYSELF grow…. Im ready….I hope….to evolve again. To become the woman I am meant to be, as a mother of two…. And so…. In three weeks time, I am told I will be induced once again. And I start this journey all over again. I hope it doesn't take me as long to come up for air. But only time will tell. I appreciate any prayers, thoughts and vibes you all can send my way. In the meantime, feel free to enjoy the following vlog.